Mental Madness

I still suffer from some degree of “mental madness” when I blame my husband for outrageous things.
Yesterday I was moving the last piece of furniture from the apartment that used to be ours which is now “his apartment.”
I managed to blame him for the fact that I was using the wrong screwdriver head to unscrew the legs of the desk he made for me. Or for not jumping to help me the moment I called.
Minutes after I set out to get this done and “move on”, I was calling out to him. I had unscrewed two screws by myself then I couldn’t get the rest out. It turned out the rest where not Philips screws, so I had to change the screwdriver head.

When I continuously tried to get the rest out I heard a weird and wrong sound “click click” and I knew I was destroying the screws.
But I kept trying.
How you do anything is how you do everything. Even unscrewing things!
I was using the wrong screw-head but because my husband was in the house I did not apply the brain power to figure that out and change it myself.
Instead I called out to him!
As I was messing up the screws. I kept calling him. I could hear him in the living room talking to our son Oliver.
I knew that I had no right to call him and interrupt him. Yet I still did. My excuse in the moment was that I was pissed at him because I felt ignored.
How bad can it get, right? 
I was boiling inside because I knew I was messing up the screws and I actually blamed him for that. Why? Well, I also knew that I always mess up things with my inability to stop acting.
I could have paused to think and try to solve the situation. Instead, I kept screwing and blaming him for this destruction because he didn’t come when I called!
I was blaming him because I was mad at myself for two things:
    1. I tend to destroy things by being too action oriented.
    2. When I feel ignored (this triggers me a lot) it is because of the way I             say things and turn my husband off.
I was mad at myself for all my bad ways of being. Nothing makes us madder than being mad at ourselves.
Do you get triggered when you feel ignored? 
Ask yourself why?
Me and my husband managed to not fight and we laughed about it.
He said “You know it is not a crime to use your brain” when he figured it out after two seconds. I said smiling “well that’s what I have you for”.
Then he said “Well since you are moving away from home (as if I am a teenager) you can’t misuse my brain anymore.”
If you want to go stop blaming your partner for everything here is what you have to do:
Start forgiving yourself for the traits you most hate about yourselves!
If you weren’t internally and subconsciously blaming yourself self you would not be pointing your finger at him. It wouldn’t be a matter of fault.
Here is how I got real about how I feel in this situation:
  1. I am super scared to move
  2. I hate my self-destructiveness
  3. I hate that I repel my family and end up being or feeling ignored

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