Our “reality” is made up by our limiting beliefs
Communication is hard for everybody because we interpret words differently based on our emotions and a whole lifetime of limiting beliefs.
One of my primary limiting beliefs is “I am in the way.”
My mother, bless her soul, sometimes said things that led me to believe my family and I were in the way. I was so insecure about this, that I once thought my best friend didn’t want me and my “whole” family to drop by but it turned out she did!
She was just vacuum cleaning and didn’t hear the phone. We ended up driving towards the ferry and spent an hour at McDonalds instead.
My husband was brought up by a controlling mother, and he felt he never got a chance to finish his own thoughts or think for himself. As a result, he has trouble making decisions. To him, love is the opposite of control and rules and routines.
I had a mother who could not give me boundaries. As a result I have searched for and needed them my entire life. To me, love is boundaries: very clear boundaries inside which my children are completely free to do whatever they want. I function best with routines and rules.
The challenge with communication in a love relationship is when we are disconnected, we both try too hard to be understood to get connected again. We desperately want to be understood. Because we feel misjudged, misunderstood and accused of something we are innocent of.
Remember! Connection is a feeling. Logic doesn’t really exist anywhere in life. Least of all in a couple’s argument.
Everything we do is based on feelings and emotions which are “just” activation of hormones in our brain.
What triggers these feelings are our self-doubts (insecurities) and limiting beliefs that we have found proof of our entire life. We were programmed to see the proof and ignore all the opposite evidence.
Our reality is very real. However, it only exists inside our head. No one else, and especially not your partner, thinks you are unlovable or means you any harm.
Communication is difficult even between two strangers because they have a lifetime of different associations to words and different backgrounds they are put into.
“I don’t have any wine in my glass” Can be translated into “give me some wine!” While the person saying it (most likely a woman) could just be thinking out loud. As we tend to do just that.
When emotions are involved, verbal communication is doomed unless at least one party masters the art of communication. Which really means mastering your emotions.
Why should you master your emotions or put a lid on them? The answer is simple: so you can get what you want and need… love and connection!
Once we get love and feel love from our partner, we don’t care about all the “other things we don’t get” like him taking out the dishes or beer bottles.
The same things that we collect as evidence he doesn’t love us, do not matter as long as we have just gotten love.
That is why making love instead of war literally is a choice. Once we get love, things or words that might normally trigger us, are not important because we have our basic need for love fulfilled.
The famous Beatles lyric “all you need is love,” is so true when it comes to communication.